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- How to Win Friends & Influence People
How to Win Friends & Influence People is so good it’s a cliche.
I still remember the first time I saw it.
I was getting drunk in my friend’s basement in high school. His older brother was training to be a stockbroker and had a copy. I figured it was a guide to being a douchebag.
Yet here I am, nearly 30 years later, reading it again for probably the 7th time.
To memorialize the key takeaways I’m putting them all here in a quick post for you.
Dale Carnegie, man about town…
If there’s anything that’s true, it’s that human nature doesn’t change.
Here are Dale’s principles for influencing other people effectively.
As useful in life as in business.
Here we go:
How to Win Friends And Influence People
Don’t Criticize, Condemn or Complain
use the gap instead (make apparent the gap between the current state and the desired outcome)
“When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.”
Give honest and sincere appreciation
The only way to get someone to do something is to make them want to do it
All people have the same desires:
Feeling of importance
Health, preservation of life
Food
Sleep
Money
Life in hereafter
Sexual gratification
Well-being of our children
“The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”
“I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.
There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault.”
Arouse in the other person an eager want
“The only way to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.”
“If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.”
“The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. So the rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage.”
Before we continue…
The Funniest Commercial Ever
I don’t normally watch or enjoy commercials.
But this is the FUNNIEST commercial I’ve seen in years, if not ever.
Watch it or die.
Six Ways to Make People Like You
Become genuinely interested in other people
“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”
“It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.”
“We are interested in others when they are interested in us.”
Smile
“People rarely succeed at anything unless they have fun doing it.”
A person’s name is the sweetest and most important sound in any language
Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
“To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.”
Talk in terms of the other person’s interests
“The royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.”
Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely
How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking
The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
You can’t win an argument.
Distrust your first instinctive impression.
Control your temper
Listen first
Look for areas of agreement
Be honest
Promise to think over your opponent’s ideas and study them carefully
Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest
Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem
Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”
If you’re wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically
“Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes - and most fools do - but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one’s mistakes.”
Begin in a friendly way
Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately
“Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not purpose.”
Let the other person do a great deal of the talking
Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers
Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view
Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires
“I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.”
Appeal to the nobler motives
Dramatize your ideas
Throw down a challenge
“That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win.”
How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment
Begin with praise and honest appreciation
Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly
Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person
Ask questions instead of direct orders
Let the other person save face
Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
“Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement.”
“If you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics.”
Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to
“Be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it - and he will practice until the dawn comes in the window in order to excel.”
Use encourage. Make the fault seem easy to correct
Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest
Truth be told - How to Win to Friends & Influence People is incredibly boring once you’ve read it six or seven times.
Yet the lessons are timeless and invaluable.
Now when confronted with a human relations problem I can quickly consult this list and be reminded of some of the most effective tactics to handle difficult situations.